Help Midlife Crisis!

Have you ever been at a stage in life where you do not fully understand what is happening inside you?

I am not even sure if I am ready to call it a midlife crisis. Maybe I am still in denial. All I know is that these past weeks, especially as we move closer to 2026, something inside me feels unsettled.

It is vulnerable to even write this. I have kept a separate journal, trying to make sense of my thoughts and emotions. I debated whether to share this at all. This does not feel like a good story for a new year. It feels heavy. It feels messy. It may even sound shallow to some. But it is deep for me.

I feel lost. Not put together. Not ready for whatever this season is asking of me.

I have never been in this place before, and that alone makes it frightening.

What makes it harder is that it feels like everything I care about is affected. My relationship with God feels fragile. My marriage feels tense. My connection with my son feels strained. Even my interactions with people around me feel different.

I find myself becoming overly emotional, overly sensitive, nagging, and easily angered. Sometimes the anger comes so suddenly that I surprise myself. I do not recognize where it is coming from.

What confuses me most is this. Even after spending time with God, even after a good conversation with my husband Vandy or a warm moment with my son David, I can suddenly snap. My reactions turn sharp and negative so quickly. 

Last Saturday: I snapped and raged.. I told Vandy I need to be away from them and breathe. I ended up at a coffee shop. I stayed for a good 3 hours journaling!
(had to order two venti hot coffee! yikes.. so expensive alone time!)

I ask myself, why?

I wondered if I had been suppressing emotions for too long. Maybe I never gave myself space to process. Now everything is pouring out like a storm that refuses to be contained.

I always thought I was strong in faith. So why am I doubting like this? Why does it feel like the fruit of the Spirit has faded in me? Where did my patience go? My gentleness? My self control?

I kept asking God, what should I do?

At this point, all I wanted was space. Space to be quiet. Space to search for myself again. Space to breathe.

It feels very unlike me to not feel excited about purpose. To not feel ready to live out calling. But right now, even thinking about purpose feels heavy.

I wondered quietly, can this still be fixed?

A Morning of Tears and Silence

One morning, I woke up earlier than usual. The house was still dark. Instead of starting my day with worship songs like I normally do, I just sat there.

I did nothing.

And then the tears came.

They flowed freely and without warning. I cried hard. Not pretty tears. Not quiet tears. Just deep, heavy tears that came from a place I had not touched before.

I had no energy to get up. But I forced myself to sit there and let it pass.

After about thirty minutes of crying, my breathing slowed. I felt just a little lighter. Not healed. Not resolved. Just lighter.

I put on my walking shoes and stepped outside. I walked in the park in front of our house for about twenty five minutes. I like this time of day because it is early. People cannot see my red eyes. I can be unseen.

That morning, prayer did not come in words. It came in steps. It came in tears. It came in silence.

And somehow, that was enough for that moment.

When God Meets You in Unexpected Places

Later that morning, as I rode a tuk tuk to work, I opened my devotional. It spoke directly to what I was feeling.

My eyes swelled again.

It felt like God had chosen that moment, that ride, that quiet space, to sit beside me. I did not speak. I did not think deeply. I just stayed silent.

And maybe that was my prayer.

The devotional reminded me of something the apostle Paul wrote.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
2 Corinthians 4:16

As we get older, things change.

Our bodies ache more easily. Thoughts feel different. Hormones shift. Energy fades faster than it used to. Even our emotions feel unfamiliar.

And sometimes, the changes are not just physical. They are emotional and spiritual too.

Paul understood hardship deeply. He had been beaten, imprisoned, shipwrecked, and bitten by a snake. His life was far from comfortable or predictable.

Yet he wrote these words.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

I honestly don't know how to end this blog post 😢🙏